What's Next?

It was around the time of my birthday and that always gets me thinking about my life. What am I thankful for? What ebenezers do I need to make to remind me of what God’s done in my life over the past year? What dreams do I have for the coming year? I’ve been praying for a while that God would give me big dreams. Over the last few years I’ve found that I have been pretty reserved in the dreams I allow myself to have. I’ve seen dreams shatter and it hurts. A lot. And I didn’t want to be disappointed again. But to hell with that, I say! God isn’t calling me to settle for a hum-drum life…and I think letting the Father paint a big dream for me is where it begins. So I started praying for an adventure.

It all started with a TED talk and this question: “What scares you the most? Do that.” That’s easy: Quit my job and travel for a year. That scares the crap out of me. I’m more the planned out/responsible type than the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kinds of girl. I’ve always been pretty frugal and responsible with my money, probably because of the financial environment I grew up in. I learned at a young age that I needed to be able to take care of myself. So I have. But because of that, I’m a bit of a scared-y cat when it comes to taking financial risks. And do I really want to quit my job? In this economy? And not have anything to come back to? Really? Is that wise? I’m beginning to think it is. And here’s why: it will make me trust God with my money. Which, right now…I don’t. I depend on me. That’s gotta stop.

When I look back on my life, do I really want to say that I spent my 20’s in corporate America? Sure, my job served a great purpose for a time. It helped me pay for college and I’ve been learning a lot in my current role…but is it what I’m passionate about? Probably not. I’m passionate about helping people grow and develop. I’m passionate about Jesus and the healing that the Holy Spirit can bring. If I do end up taking a break to travel I want it to have some umph behind it. I’m all for sight-seeing and touristy stuff, but I think I would get lonely and feel a bit unsatisfied if I just travelled to travel. Instead, maybe I want to go to a L’Abri for a while or serve with a non-profit while I’m overseas. I want to see what God’s up to and join in on the fun.

I’ve also been thinking about going back to school to become a counselor. I think that plays to some of my strengths and I really believe in walking alongside people as they work through hard stuff. So, I’ve been looking at schools. Some in Portland, some not. I thought about travelling for a while, visiting friends overseas, maybe volunteering for a few months and then returning to the states and heading back to school. A friend of mine also mentioned the possibility of pursuing my PhD. I could study abroad and get a degree in social psychology. Wow, there are so many options, how does one begin to choose?

So, here we go. Let’s see what adventure this next year brings. Have you had any GIANT leaps of faith that you’ve taken in your life? How’d they turn out? Any words of wisdom?

Nowhere Place

A couple of weeks ago Rick talked about being in a “nowhere place”. We keep holding out for something before we fully allow God to be our God… and that leaves us in this nowhere place. We’ve left home, we aren’t yet where we belong, but we sure as hell aren’t where we thought we’d be by now. I think we’ve all got a nowhere place. For me, it’s singleness. What is wrong with me that I’m still single? My friends keep getting married off. This can’t be some secret club only for the elite. Wait, what’s the secret handshake? Or, if they’re not married, they’re at least in a relationship that is lasting more than one or two dates. Come on, God. I thought we had a deal. I keep hearing that you want good things for me, that you’re all powerful. So why aren’t you coming through on this one? Well, then there must be something unlovable about me if an all-powerful God can’t even find me a mate.

Yeah, those are the places I go. The tapes that play in my head that could get the best of me if I let them (and I could have gone on and on with that list, but I’ll spare you the lies). Rick also talked about God having mercy on those who he has mercy on. That God gets to choose how and when to bless us. God gets to be in control, not me. Crap. I hate that sometimes. There he goes again, not fitting into my small lowercase-g-god-box. He’s too big for my little box, and his bigness simultaneously thrills me and scares the shit out of me. It’s safer for me if God acts the way I expect him to, if he gives me what I want. But that’s what I love about our God, he’s unpredictable and dangerous. He loves fiercely and jealously. He’ll passionately pursue us until he has our whole hearts. He’s not scared of getting his hands dirty and is more interested in being in relationship with us than making sure we have every box on our list checked off. He loves us as we are. Right now. And at the same time is transforming me into the image of Christ. God wants to meet me in my nowhere place and redeem it. This week I’m going to pay attention and look for ways that he’s already entered into that place and is starting to redeem it.


Anyway, this is what has been rolling around in my head after listening to that sermon. I wonder what your nowhere places are. How has God encountered you there?

Europa

There are so many stories to tell from my recent trip to Europe. Let's call this part one.
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I don’t know about you, but for me the picture I had in my head of my first trip to Europe was something out of the movies. Surreal. It turned out to be a little different than that. A very dear friend of mine got married in Germany, and a few of us went to celebrate with her. And since we were there anyway, we tacked on a couple extra days to travel around a bit.

We flew from Portland to Frankfurt. Our layover (which was literally all of 15 minutes) was in Houston. Luckily our plane was only a couple of gates away or we wouldn’t have made it. The 10 hour flight went better than I expected. My roommate loaned me her travel pillow and with that and earplugs I was able to sleep a lot more than I thought I would.

We arrived in Frankfurt around noon. The airport is HUGE and after going through customs and getting some money, we finally made it to baggage claim only to be greeted by a deserted carousel with one lonely bag. We finally found someone and they let us know that our bags didn’t make it. They blamed security but I think what really happened was that our bags didn’t make the super-tight connection in Houston. So we would be bagless tonight. Luckily I was travelling with friends and was able to borrow most of what I needed until my bag arrived.

Frankfurt as a city was nice. Easy to explore and everyone was very friendly. We had just a couple days there and were blessed with mostly dry weather.


From there we took the train to Altdof, Germany (where the wedding would be). Konstanze’s (the bride) father met us at the train station and took us to their home. We were met by a full house of international travelers. Leandro’s (the groom) family is Spanish and his brother came from England. At this point it was the time in the afternoon when Germans like to have cake. It’s a sort of tea time, but even better than what the British have going because tea plays second fiddle in Germany to the amazing dessert spread they present every afternoon (or maybe we were just being spoiled by our amazing hosts). I knew this was the beginning of something beautiful. After cake, we were taken to the apartment we would be staying in. We settled in and returned to their home for dinner with folks from all over Europe who came in for the wedding. We met a lot of great people that night and enjoyed getting to know them over the coming weekend.

The next day was the wedding day. We spent the morning at Konstanze’s parent’s house hanging out with all the family and friends from out of town. Seriously, a lot of really great people. The wedding was that afternoon at the local church. It was a stunning building and a beautiful ceremony (in three languages - German, Spanish and English). After the ceremony we headed to the reception. Shortly after we arrived we had a champagne toast where Konstanze and Leandro gave thanks for all the important people in their lives who were able to share this day with them. At first I thought they would just introduce their family and a couple others, but they ended up introducing everyone by name and sharing with the group why they are important to them. This made me realize how beautiful a small wedding can be where you know you are surrounded by those closest to you. Next, it was cake time. We walked into a room with a buffet table filled with all different kinds of cakes. Then the reception continued into the wee hours of the morning. German wedding receptions are a little bit different that what I’m used to in that there is a program of events. There were a lot of events throughout the night, from a slideshow explaining the story of Konstanze and Leandro to a song that high school friends prepared for the couple. It was so incredibly meaningful because everything was prepared with love especially for them. It was a great night of celebration that lasted well into the morning. A beautiful way to start the beginning of the rest of their lives. I felt blessed and honor to be there and celebrate with them.

to my friend in preparation of her wedding

Dear friend,

As I write this letter I am looking at a picture from our ladies prayer dinner at your house. You are such a beautiful woman of God and I am so glad to know you. I am so thankful for our time together while you were in Portland. I remember our walks along the waterfront, sharing our hopes and dreams for life. You shared your heart for L as your relationship was unfolding. You were consistent in seeking the Lord's wisdom. I remember your gentle spirit as you walked with me through a difficult time in my life. How you prayed over me and encouaged me.

You are family to me.  I am thankful to have you as a sister in Christ. I am thrilled to come and celebrate your wedding with you!! While I am looking forward to my first trip to Europe, that all pales in comparison to how delighted I am to be a part of your wedding day. Honestly. I pray blessings and peace over you as you prepare for your wedding. That God would be close to both you and L as you come closer to being united in Christ. My eyes are tearing up as I write this.  Looking back over your journey it is a true testament to God’s great love for you. Of His protection and provision. What a happy ending to this story!

I love you, dear sister, and can’t wait to celebrate with you!
-Stefanie

thank you

Thank you.

I know it has been a long time since I gave an update on my sister, and for that I’m sorry. It has been a crazy few months. Shortly after I wrote last time I got a call that Sheila was back in the hospital and going in for emergency surgery the next morning. I quickly bought a ticket for the next morning.

When I arrived on Tuesday, Sheila was still in surgery. A few hours later she was out of surgery and in her recovery room. The surgeon said the surgery went well and they were able to remove all of the cancer. The rest of her abdomen looked great and didn’t give her any cause for concern. The surgeon removed several enlarged lymph nodes and sent those off to pathology. We would just wait to hear back on the results of those.

Sheila was in a lot of pain initially and I had the opportunity to serve by staying with her in the hospital that night. Quite the experience, as I’m sure those of you who have had to stay in the hospital with loved ones before know. There were tubes everywhere and the nurses came in every hour or so to check on her.

And then the surgeon came back with the pathology result. Of the 24 nodes she removed, zero came back positive. ZERO!!! This is great news and a very obvious answer to prayer as it was highly unlikely that they would all come back negative. Seriously, praise God.

Sheila then met with an oncologist and they decided that since the surgery was such a success and the lymph nodes all came back negative that she wouldn’t need chemo or radiation. SAY WHAT?! Again, another answer to prayer. This was seriously the best case scenario for this awful situation. I don’t think it could have gone any better. We just kept getting good news. My heart is so thankful for how God protected my family during this season.

Also, while I was in California I gave Sheila the book of prayers and financial gift that my friends all contributed to. It was an honor for me to put this together. To show her how much she is loved by people she doesn’t even know. She loved it, so thanks everyone for contributing and praying. Thank you again for all the ways you supported me and my family.

Sheila has impressed me all along the way. She was amazing during the whole process. I think I would have been a crying mess a lot more than she was. What a remarkably strong woman my sister is. I feel blessed to have been able to be there with her during this time. It grew our relationship as sisters and as friends.

the fight of a lifetime

it feels like its time for me to say something about my family. my sister in particular. 

a little over a week ago, Sheila was diagnosed with cancer. can.cer. can...cer. i've repeated that word slowly, i've yelled that word at friends.  i dont know what to do with that damn word. what i do know is that there is still fight left in her, which means there is still fight left in me. and for that i am thankful.

i guess the point of this blog is to say thanks.  in the midst of all that is going on (my parents also recently announced their divorce) i've been surrounded by prayer. and i cant tell you how vital that has been to me.  dealing with all this has brought up so many emotions and memories of the past that i've found myself overwhelmed. there has been a lot to process, and i've still got a ways to go.  during this past week, there have been moments where i found myself unable to approach God.  in those moments the holy spirit reminded me that there were others who could approach the throne for me.  there are friends out there praying on our behalf, asking for healing for sheila, praying for peace, begging for wisdom. knowing this has let me put one foot in front of the other.

God has been present in this pain and has given me a new language for my prayer. last weekend a friend and i took a trip to mirror lake. i found that the rhythm of the hike gave a sort of cadence to my prayers. my petitions flowed seamlessly. it was exactly what i needed and rejuvenated the fight in me. which i needed because this is going to be one hell of a fight.

3119

Welcome to Marcia Manor. Thanks, it’s good to be here. Seriously, it’s good to be here. I moved into my new apartment a few weeks ago. I’m one of those people that need change. When I start feeling like things are getting stagnant I go looking for ways to mix things up. I don’t know what that’s about, but that’s how it is.



I’m usually pretty excited to move. But not this time. Oh no. I was NOT looking forward to moving. Not that I wanted to stay in my old apartment. That place was a crappy tiny apartment, so that didn’t have anything to do with it. I think a big part of it was that I couldn’t get the vision of what this new space would be like. Would I be going from one crappy apartment to another crappy apartment? Maybe, this new apartment isn’t anything to write home about – but I convinced myself to do it because I would be living closer to friends and I’d be able to save a bunch of money on rent which would let me travel more. So I signed the papers and got to packing. I’m usually a rock star at packing; it’s where my administrative/organization OCD really shines. But this time was different; I procrastinated and found excuses not to pack.


And then moving day came. And that’s when I realized everything was going to be okay. A ton of my friends swooped in early in the morning and moved all the boxes out of my tiny crappy apartment in an hour. ONE HOUR. What?! Yeah, and it gets better. Then, at the new apartment they all pitched in and started unpacking boxes. Some even asked if they could go back to the old apartment and help me clean it out. To which I said “Come again? Are you serious? YES PLEASE!!” A few of us went back to the old place and cleaned that sucker out in half an hour. We started at 9am, by 11:30 we had all the boxes moved, my old apartment cleaned out and most of my bedroom and living room already set up. By the end of the day ALL of my boxes were unpacked and my cute little apartment now has Stefanie written on its walls. And damn, my apartment is cute.


I am so in love with my new space. I feel at peace here, it feels like home. I was talking to a friend about how different my demeanor is in my new apartment, how my spirit just feels a little lighter here. She told me that maybe this was me moving out of the place of healing that I’ve been in since Aaron and I broke up. Maybe this was God moving me out of that season into a new one. And boy am I thankful for this new season.


When we were praying over the apartment on moving day I was sitting there thinking about how blessed I am. How much God must love me to give me these amazing friends who made this move so easy, a move that I was NOT looking forward to. And so, this is my home that I’m dedicating to the Lord – asking him to meet me here in big and small moments. Asking Him to bring friends here to share a meal with, friends to laugh with, cry with, and live life with.